Self-esteem - what it is and how you can improve it
Self-esteem is the way we perceive and evaluate ourselves and it is an essential component of emotional balance and psychological wellbeing.
What self-esteem is
Self-esteem is the way we perceive and evaluate ourselves, and it is an essential component of emotional balance and psychological wellbeing. It is built gradually, through life experiences, interactions and the messages we receive from those around us, and it influences the way we relate to success, failure, relationships and everyday challenges. Healthy self-esteem helps us feel comfortable with who we are, accept both our strengths and our vulnerabilities, and gives us the confidence we need to explore new opportunities and to grow personally and professionally.
On the other hand, low self-esteem can bring with it feelings of insecurity, anxiety and self-deprecation, limiting our ability to reach our true potential. In the context of modern society, where constant comparisons and high expectations are more present than ever, it is essential to understand how we can build and maintain strong self-esteem, in order to live a more authentic and fulfilled life.
Factors that influence self-esteem
- Childhood experiences and family relationships
Early experiences play a crucial role in the formation of self-esteem, because children build a self-image based on the way they are treated by their parents and by other family members. The support, affection and validation offered by the family help strengthen self-confidence, while excessive criticism, neglect or abuse can create deeply rooted insecurities and low self-esteem. These experiences are often reflected in adults’ self-perceptions, affecting their behaviour and their confidence in their own abilities. - The educational environment and the influence of teachers
School is another important environment in the development of self-esteem, where children learn to evaluate their skills and to compare themselves with their classmates. Teachers play a special role, because through their support or their criticism they can encourage a positive attitude towards the self or, on the contrary, contribute to insecurity. Academic achievements, as well as the way failures are handled, can significantly influence confidence in one’s own abilities and the perception of personal worth. - The group of friends and social influences
As children grow, relationships with friends become a key component in forming identity and self-esteem. Approval and acceptance by the group of friends can boost self-confidence, while rejection or marginalisation can have deep negative effects. In adolescence, the pressure to conform to the group’s expectations, added to frequent comparisons with others, can lead to unstable self-esteem and to exaggerated self-evaluations, whether positive or negative. - The professional environment and feedback from superiors
In adulthood, the workplace and professional relationships become a major source of validation or of criticism, with a direct impact on self-esteem. Professional achievements, promotions and appreciation from superiors can strengthen confidence in one’s own abilities, while failures, frequent criticism or a lack of recognition can erode self-esteem. The organisational culture and the atmosphere at work can contribute significantly to the way a person perceives their professional worth and competence. - Body image and beauty standards
The perception of one’s own body and the way a person relates to social standards of beauty have a major impact on self-esteem. In a society that often promotes unrealistic standards, those who do not identify with these norms can end up with low self-esteem. A positive body image, fed by self-acceptance and by the promotion of diversity, can improve self-esteem, while insecurities related to physical appearance can contribute to a negative self-evaluation. - Social media and constant comparison with others
Social media platforms, where other people’s lives and achievements are constantly on display, can become a source of pressure and comparison. Seeing other people’s successes and lifestyles can create a distorted picture of your own life, leading to feelings of inadequacy and to a drop in self-esteem. Cultivating a healthy relationship with social media, through an awareness of how selective the information is, is essential for protecting self-esteem. - Personality and critical self-evaluation
Every person has a unique style of self-evaluation and a certain attitude towards themselves, and these traits can directly influence self-esteem. People with a critical attitude towards themselves are more likely to have low self-esteem, while individuals who manage to look at their achievements with a dose of leniency and acceptance can develop healthier self-esteem. Cultivating a balanced perspective on your own qualities and flaws is essential for stable self-esteem.
Causes responsible for low self-esteem
- Excessive criticism in childhood
Frequent criticism from parents, teachers or other important people in childhood can strongly affect a child’s self-image, leaving deep marks on self-esteem and on adult life. When children are frequently criticised for mistakes or are compared negatively with others, they end up internalising the message that they are not good enough. This negative self-evaluation becomes an integral part of their identity, making them feel insecure and inadequate, even when they manage to achieve important things. - Emotional, physical or sexual abuse
Abuse, in all its forms, produces deep trauma and contributes to an extremely negative self-perception. People who have been through such experiences can develop feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness, which profoundly affect their self-esteem. Victims of abuse often come to believe that they are not worthy of love or respect, and these beliefs can persist in the long term, influencing relationships, career and the ability to grow personally. - Excessive comparison with others
The tendency to compare yourself constantly with others can erode self-confidence, especially when a person measures themselves against unrealistic standards. Social media, for example, offers an often idealised picture of other people’s lives, making some feel inadequate or less accomplished. These comparisons can be discouraging and can hinder the development of healthy self-esteem, especially when other people’s achievements and physical appearance become a constant criterion for self-evaluation. - Unrealistic expectations and perfectionism
People with very high standards, who require themselves to be perfect in everything they do, are prone to low self-esteem when the inevitable failure appears. Perfectionism puts immense pressure on the individual, and any error, however small, is perceived as a total failure. Instead of valuing their efforts and their progress, these people emphasise their flaws, which contributes to the development of a feeling of inadequacy and insufficiency. - Lack of social support and isolation
The lack of a support system in the family or in the circle of friends can create a state of emotional vulnerability and a sense of loneliness. When people do not have someone to offer them support, encouragement and validation, they can feel alone and unappreciated, which affects self-esteem. Social isolation heightens feelings of insecurity and can lead to a negative self-evaluation, making people believe that they do not deserve to be loved or appreciated. - Repeated failures and the lack of achievements
Frequent experiences of failure, whether in a career or in personal relationships, can weaken self-esteem, especially if the individual has no effective strategies for managing these situations. People who go through successive failures end up losing confidence in their own abilities and developing a fear of trying new things. The lack of successes can reinforce the idea that their efforts are useless, thereby contributing to a negative self-perception and to self-limitation. - Physical and mental health problems
Health conditions, both physical and mental, play an important role in the formation of self-esteem. Chronic illnesses or physical limitations can generate frustration and a feeling of helplessness, which contributes to low self-esteem. Mental health problems, such as depression or anxiety, have a direct negative impact on the way a person perceives themselves, amplifying feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. The social stigma associated with these problems can make the situation even worse, making those affected feel isolated and worthless. - Trauma and losses
Trauma, such as the loss of a loved one, a divorce or a dramatic event, often leaves deep emotional marks that affect self-esteem. These experiences often trigger a period of painful introspection, in which the person may question their personal worth or their ability to cope with life. Losses and trauma can induce a feeling of heightened vulnerability and a perception of helplessness, thereby weakening self-confidence and the capacity to adapt.
10 signs of low self-esteem
- Excessive self-criticism
People with low self-esteem tend to be extremely critical of themselves, emphasising their mistakes and minimising their achievements. This permanent self-criticism makes them focus on flaws and failures rather than on qualities and successes. Instead of appreciating their efforts or learning from mistakes, individuals with low self-esteem judge themselves harshly and often have an inner voice that criticises them constantly. - Fear of failure and of rejection
Low self-esteem shows itself through an intense fear of failure or rejection, which can stop people from trying new things or from following their dreams. This fear is often so strong that it makes them avoid situations that could bring their insecurities to light. Because of this fear, they prefer to stay in a comfort zone, giving up any action that could bring success, but also the risk of failure. - The constant need for validation from others
Those with low self-esteem frequently seek confirmation and approval from those around them, because they base their personal worth on external feedback. They have difficulty feeling good about themselves independently of other people’s opinions, and they constantly need praise or encouragement in order to maintain a positive emotional state. Without this kind of validation, they can easily lose confidence and feel insecure. - Difficulty making decisions
People with low self-esteem have difficulty making decisions, being often unsure of their own judgement and abilities. The fear of making a wrong choice makes them constantly question their opinions and seek other people’s advice even about the simplest decisions. This indecision can become exhausting and can contribute to perpetuating feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. - The tendency to avoid conflict
In order to avoid rejection or negative judgement, those with low self-esteem prefer to avoid conflicts and situations in which they would have to defend their point of view. They often prefer to make excessive compromises, even if this means giving up their own wishes and needs. Avoiding conflict becomes a way of protecting themselves from possible criticism, but in the long term it can affect their relationships and reduce their self-confidence even further. - A negative perception of one’s own body
Low self-esteem frequently shows itself through a negative body image. People with such difficulties focus on the physical aspects they perceive as flawed and tend to avoid exposure or to be critical of their own body. This insecurity can also influence other aspects of life, such as intimate or social relationships, making those affected feel less valuable because of their physical appearance. - Difficulty receiving compliments
People with low self-esteem can have difficulty accepting compliments, because they do not truly believe them. They may respond to praise with disbelief or even with embarrassment, because they are used to seeing themselves in a negative light. When someone gives them a compliment, they tend to minimise or reject the appreciation, feeling uncomfortable with the thought that they are valuable. - Self-neglect and the lack of self-care
People with low self-esteem may ignore the basic aspects of self-care, because they consider that they do not deserve to invest time and resources in themselves. This self-neglect can show itself through a lack of concern for health, personal hygiene, a balanced diet or recreational activities. Neglecting their own needs and wellbeing becomes a reflection of their perception of their own worth, contributing to perpetuating a negative self-image. - Social isolation
Another common manifestation of low self-esteem is the tendency to avoid social interactions. People with low self-confidence are often afraid of other people’s judgement and avoid situations in which they could be exposed to criticism. Isolation thus becomes a method of defence, but it leads to a worsening of the feeling of loneliness and insecurity. In the long term, this avoidance of social contact contributes to a worsening self-perception and to greater difficulties with social integration. - A high tolerance for toxic relationships
People with low self-esteem are more likely to stay in unhealthy relationships, because they consider that they do not deserve anything better. The fear of being rejected or abandoned can make them tolerate abusive or manipulative behaviour from partners or friends. This tolerance of toxic relationships in fact reflects their insecurity and their feeling of inadequacy, further affecting their self-confidence and their ability to set healthy boundaries.
The impact of self-esteem in everyday life
The impact of self-esteem in the everyday life of children
In children, self-esteem directly influences the way they relate to those around them and how they explore their environment. A child with healthy self-esteem feels safe and valuable, which motivates them to try new activities, to explore and to develop their skills. These children are less fearful of mistakes and are more likely to get involved in social activities and to build friendships. A child with low self-esteem, on the other hand, can become withdrawn, avoiding challenges and relationships with others out of fear of making mistakes or of being criticised. The lack of confidence can prevent them from taking part in games or team activities, thereby affecting their social and emotional development.
The impact of self-esteem in the everyday life of teenagers
In teenagers, self-esteem takes on particular importance, because this period is marked by the search for identity and by the formation of their own values. Teenagers with high self-esteem tend to be more resistant to negative influences, to make decisions based on their own worth and to build healthy relationships with those around them. Low self-esteem, on the other hand, can expose teenagers to emotional and behavioural risks, such as isolation, anxiety, the pressure to conform to the group and even mental health problems such as depression. This insecurity can make them vulnerable to negative influences and can limit their wish to express themselves freely, to get involved in school activities or to follow their passions, thereby significantly influencing their path of development and adaptation.
How can you improve your self-esteem?
- Accept your imperfections
The first step in growing self-esteem is accepting the fact that nobody is perfect. Instead of focusing on your mistakes and weaknesses, look at them as opportunities to learn and grow. By accepting that it is normal to make mistakes, you will be less critical of yourself and more open to change, which will increase your confidence in your own abilities. - Set realistic goals
Setting small, achievable goals can help you build your self-esteem step by step. Every achievement, however small it may seem, gives you a source of satisfaction and confirmation of your abilities. Start with simple steps and gradually increase the level of difficulty as you gain confidence, because every success will strengthen your sense of personal worth. - Surround yourself with positive people
The people around you have an important impact on the way you perceive yourself. Choose to spend time with people who support you, respect you and give you constructive feedback. A network of friends and family that validates your qualities and encourages you will give you emotional safety and will help you see your worth more clearly. - Practise self-compassion
Just as you would be gentle and understanding with a friend going through a hard time, it is important to offer yourself the same emotional support. Practising self-compassion helps you give up excessive criticism and treat yourself with more patience. This approach allows you to see your progress without getting discouraged at the first obstacles and gives you the strength to try again. - Improve your skills and develop new competencies
An effective way to strengthen your self-esteem is to develop your skills and knowledge in areas that interest you. As you acquire new competencies and achieve results, you will start to see your worth in a clearer light. Take courses, try new hobbies and get involved in activities that spark your interest and give you a sense of fulfilment. - Practise gratitude for your achievements
You can improve your self-esteem by focusing on the good things you have achieved. Make a habit of reflecting on your achievements, however small they may seem. Gratitude for your own successes can change your perspective on life, allowing you to appreciate yourself more and to notice the positive aspects of your journey. - Set healthy boundaries in your relationships with others
Setting and respecting your own boundaries is essential for protecting your self-esteem. Healthy boundaries give you a sense of control over your own life and allow you to avoid situations in which you feel exploited or undervalued. When you clearly define your expectations in relationships, you will feel more sure of yourself and will build relationships based on mutual respect. - Avoid comparisons with others
Constant comparison with others can erode self-esteem, because every person has a unique path. Focus on your own progress and on your goals, without measuring yourself against other people’s achievements. By trying to measure your success against yourself, you will manage to appreciate your qualities and your development more, without the pressure of comparisons. - Practise self-care
Taking care of yourself is an essential component of self-esteem. Make time for activities that bring you joy, whether it is physical exercise, rest or relaxing hobbies. When you take care of your physical and mental wellbeing, you naturally increase your respect for yourself and feel more able to cope with everyday challenges. - Invest in your personal development
Reading personal development books, taking part in self-knowledge workshops and working with a therapist are effective methods for understanding better what affects your self-esteem and how you can improve it. The process of personal development gives you new perspectives and practical strategies for replacing old patterns of negative thinking with more constructive habits, allowing you to build healthy and lasting self-esteem.
Neurofeedback therapy for improving self-esteem
Neurofeedback is a brain training technique that helps improve self-esteem by regulating brain activity. Using sensors attached to the scalp, neurofeedback monitors brainwave activity in real time, providing immediate feedback. The process involves repetitive exercises and constant feedback, allowing the brain to self-regulate its activity and to adopt optimal functioning.
Studies have shown that certain regions of the brain, such as the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala and the parietal lobe, are closely linked to feelings of confidence and self-evaluation. For example, high activity in the amygdala, a region associated with emotions, can indicate a high level of anxiety or self-criticism, characteristics frequently associated with low self-esteem. Neurofeedback, on the other hand, can train the prefrontal cortex to moderate its activity in order to reduce the tendency towards negative rumination and to increase the ability to focus on your own qualities. By regulating activity in these regions, neurofeedback contributes to a more balanced self-perception and to a general state of wellbeing, allowing the individual to build and maintain healthier self-esteem.
If you feel that your self-esteem is stopping you from reaching your true potential, neurofeedback can be the solution you need. Book a free phone consultation and discover the benefits of neurofeedback for a more fulfilled life!
References:
- Budin, W.C. (2017). Building Confidence. The Journal of Perinatal Education, [online] 26(3), pp. 107-109. doi:https://doi.org/10.1891/1058-1243.26.3.107.
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